Before I lost my weight, I had so much sickness and chronic pain. This picture is back in 2006 when my husband took our precious Pongo in the trails. He would record with his camera the beauty of God's land for me to be able to see since I couldn't go with them. This was the worst time in my entire life. I had a video I wanted to share, but it did not import for some reason.
Back in 2000, I had to get a disability sign for my car because I couldn't walk far at all. The neuropathy caused me so much pain. I was taking 4000 mg of Neurontin at one point a day to reduce pain, but it made me so foggy and sick. It helped relieve the leg cramps, electric bolts I would get and the burning, stabbing pain that came with it, but not enough to where I could walk normally or for longer than 10 minutes at a time.
I remember when I had to soak in the hot tub every night in hopes to die down the terrible cramps I would suffer. This was before Neurontin and before the doctors knew what was happening to me.
I would not be able to sleep with sheets touching my feet because it was so painful. My feet would be so hot that I'd sit in the dark on top of our bathroom sink soaking them in ice water. I remember crying a lot, wondering if I was ever going to be able to overcome this torment.
In 2006, I remember one day at work I wanted to take the stairs so bad to prove to myself I wasn't an old woman at a mere age of 38. I had no strength in my legs or body for that matter at that time because I never used them I was unable use them.
I started down the steps and SNAP a tendon tore in my left ankle, which was the worst neuropathy foot. I couldn't make it down the steps without assistance of my friends at work. I was mortified, but they understood.
I called my husband and he brought me my crutches (I have my own supplies here at the house comes in handy). I don't remember what the podiatrist said about it, except that I have to where a boot for 6 weeks. Ugh!
Another time I remember was when I was sitting on the couch and I reached for my laptop and SNAP there goes my back. That was in 2007 when I was getting sicker and more body fatigue. I was on my back for a few weeks. Luckily I could work from home, I was so fortunate to have a understanding workplace.
I didn't go to the grocery store for about 8 years. My husband had to go, God bless him. When you can't walk for more than 5 or 10 minutes your life completely changes.
I remember laying on the floor here in my living room crying my eyes out because I couldn't go out like a normal person and shop or to walk in the trails with my husband.
He use to literally push me in my wheel chair up in the trails of one of our Nature Parks! I am serious, when was the last time you went to trails? Can you imagine pushing someone who was 60 pounds overweight and disabled up those hills and valleys? Not to mention the holes that are out there. He always did his best to get me out so I wouldn't get so depressed. God blessed me the day he came into my life.
Now just tonight we were talking at dinner that maybe I'll try my hand at running in that same Nature Park this weekend with him! WOW! Amazing what losing weight can do for a person!!!!
I am writing about this because I am in one of those “your fat and worthless” mindset. When I am forced to think back to where I was not long ago, it gets me out of that mentality and helps me understand just how far I've come in such a short time.
Here's where my Handicap sign sits and where I plan on it always sitting! Its a reminder of where I came from and who I was and I am not that person anymore! When its time to take the bike out in the Spring, I will hang it somewhere else in my workout room never to forget.
How about you? What do you do to get yourself out of the destructive self talk?